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Drip, drip, drip, drip…The sound echoed in my head. Dizzy and disoriented it searched for an exit, a way to escape. One that didn’t exist. With sleep the problems wouldn’t disappear; with hope the next day would still be as gray and with happiness I could only paint over the desperation dripping from my silently bleeding heart. Just like the blood was slowly breaking through the thin layer of skin, I wanted to tear down the walls enclosing me; robbing me of every tiny bit of air that was supposed to be there for me to breathe; to live. Nothing changed though. Noone stopped it. Noone stopped the walls from drawing closer; noone put a halt to this neverending nightmare. And for every time humanity betrayed me, I engraved another symbol on my disintegrating body.

And again I lowered my hand. The glass enclosed in my fingers glowing crimson, I continued the daily routine. It was a colourful play. The light penetrating the transparent material painted a light red veil over the tiles while my skin was ripped open once again. Again and again and again. Relentlessly my hand pushed the shard into my skin, tore apart veins and freed this deep red liquid from the prison it had been in. Shhrr…Shhrr…I could hear it. Laughingly I listened to this particular tune. The sound of my body screaming for salvation. 

“Nathan?” A meek little voice calling my name, barely even reaching those ears of mine. “W-W-What is it, M-Mary?” I answered, trying to control my heavy breathing. I still longed for more. Looking at that sea of red, my blood began boiling again. Free it! A voice screaming at me; shouting and demanding even more destruction. I yearned to heed its call. “Are you ok…? I’ve heard…screams…brother…A….” Hick! Soft sobbing, hardly noticeable and yet it made me lose grip. The glass I had held onto so tightly as if it was the very red string keeping me alive slipped away from me. It fell into the tub and drowned in the crimson hell I had created. The hell I had wished for and the one that suddenly vanished, fading into nothingness. “Wait a minute, Mary!” Gone the madness. My mind suddenly felt so light; nothing clouding my sight any longer. My hands were shaking from the blood loss, yet I did my best to suppress the sudden pain. I had to clean up, to hide all those things. She mustn’t see it.

That was the only thought circulating in my head; commanding me to hurry, to not lose any time in destroying every last remnant of what had just happened in this room. [ I could still hear the death’s lullaby calling for me. ]

………………………………………………………………

Click! The door opened with a nasal squeaking and revealed her beloved brother, stretching out his hand to carress her crying self like usual. “Mary, what is it? Did you have a nightmare?” He asked with a smile. In his voice worry resounded. “I…I…” Her words were swallowed by her uncontrolled hicking, so that she had trouble even forming one word. “Shh….Shh…” He kneeled down; just enough to face her eye to eye. With his pale hand he wiped the tears from those rosy cheeks of hers. “What is it, little one?” “I dreamed that you went away….You went far, far away…you left me…a…a…alone….” With those words she ran into his arms; nearly making the boy fall over. But luckily he regained his balance just in time to catch the girl. Carefully he wrapped his arms around her tiny, trembling body, softly whispering “I am here. I will always be here.” into the girl’s ear. They stood there for a while, hardly moving. The moonlight entering from the window shone coolly on this pair of siblings, making the white dress and shirt shine in a light that neither seemed earthly nor heavenly. It was a cold glow. And the bandages on his thin wrists engulfed in that ethereal light seemed to betray the words he had just told. That night that was clouded in insanity and lies just like so many others. 

He could still feel the blood rush in that body of his. 

………………………………………………

Author’s comment: I COULD continue this story, but I don’t know if I will, so I am labelling it a short story (very, very short) for now AND completed. It’s actually just something I wrote on a whim. I guess, I am in a strange mood again. A “bloody mood” this time. Lol. Freak out if you want to. Not like I am not used to that already. All hail to madness! XD That’s all :D Till next time ^^

Nur eine Laune. Eine weitere Laune. Es bedeutete nichts. Das Keuchen, die Not, das Japsen nach Luft. Was war dies schon? Nichts. Nichts. Nichts. So kroch sie am Boden umher, dasselbe immer und immer wieder wiederholend. So wie ein kaputter Automat. Einer, der nicht mehr wusste als das, was ihm eingeprägt worden war. Ein Knopf, ein Schalter. Wo war er? Wie konnte man es wieder abschalten? Wie brach man den Strom? Diesen ganzen Fluss an schwarzem, kaltem. Die Gedanken fluteten sie, überschwemmten und verschlangen sie. So wie ein Haus, das dem Wasser nicht länger stand halten konnte, brach sie in sich zusammen.

Kaum mehr Kraft im schlaffen, zitternden Körper. Die Beine eingeknickt wie Streichhölzer. Die Arme wie gebrochene Äste und unter ihrem ganzen Körper ihr Inneres. Es stank. Es stank nach ihr, nach dem, was sie verschlungen hatte und letztendlich nach ihren Innereien. Und bei dem Gedanken ergoss sich ein weiterer Schwall auf den bereits befleckten Boden. Noch mehr von sich selbst gab sie. Noch mehr von sich selbst warf sie von sich wie ein Geschwür. Ein Übel, das sie aus ihrem Inneren vertrieb. Aber so lange sie auch dort kniete, sie würde nie wieder rein. Nein, immer schmutziger und schmutziger und schmutziger. Alles war dreckig und verdorben. Nun fehlte nur noch eines. Eines, was sie tun musste, um den Schmutz zu vollenden.

Ihre Hände krochen langsam das Holz entlang. Splitter um Splitter bohrte sich dabei in ihre sonnengegerbte Haut, doch stetig suchten sie weiter. Ihre Finger hörten nicht auf zu tasten. Nicht bis sie den kühlen Griff zu fassen bekamen. Es war besiegelt.

Ein Lächeln blitzte auf, als sich der kühle Stahl durch den weichen Körper bohrte. Er wanderte durch ihr Innerstes, biss in ihr saftiges, vor Blut triefendes Fleisch und erkundete alles, was sie ausmachte in dem Bruchteil einer Sekunde. Als das Silber wieder nach Luft zu japsen begann, war bereits ihr Keuchen verstummt. Es sah noch kurz das alte Zimmer, bevor es in das alte, morsche Holz eintauchte. Es barst. Kein Schrei, kein Japsen, keine Bewegung. Alles war verstummt. Nur der Stahl blitzte kurz in der dunklen Höhle auf, nun in ein tiefrotes Kleid gehüllt.

„Hehehehehehe…alte, arme Närrin…Alte, arme Närrin…Wie lange hast du geweint? Wie lange hast du gelitten? Wie lange hast du geschrien? Wie lange…hast du die Klinge schon durch deine Seele gestoßen? Ruhe in Frieden, arme, arme Irre. Du bist nicht allein und wirst nicht die letzte sein.“

„Diese Welt…macht verrückt.“

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Author’s Comment: Yes, I am crazy and no, you aren’t the first one to think that. This short story - if you can even call it that - is something I came up with just out of fun and maybe also to vent some anger and frustration. To me writing is like a stress reliever. Be happy. Without it I would have beaten people up a loooot of times already. Btw, please don’t call the cops. I am just another Hello Kitty with her pretty shiny armory. Nothing strange about that, is there? Anyway, nice day to you all! Beware of Hello Kitty! :D *licks paw*

To get to the stories, please click here. I’ve started doing a list of contents; please make use of that one. It’s still pretty easy to find what you are looking for right now, but I think that - given that I post more - it should be pretty confusing in the (far off) future when you try to go post by post. I don’t know when I’ll have the time to actually write again; so I guess, either be patient or look for another blog. Even if people try to push me, I won’t write any faster or more. To be honest, trying to make me work will actually result in me refusing to.

Also thought about posting some of my German stories; so after this post will probably come a little sneak preview in German :p I really want to finish some stories, so I’ll try to make this Tumblr some kind of motivation to keep going. I so want to write again TAT Aru out.

„It’s nothing. Everything’s ok.“

„Why are you standing on the railing then?“

“Mommy…why did you push me away?” A little girl was standing there, balancing on the tiny balustrade, her arms spread as if she was some bird, spreading her pure white wings and ready to fly away immediately. As if she had the freedom right in the palms of her hands. But ironically it was the sole thing she had never been able to catch no matter how hard she had tried.

“Why…? Did you forget about me? Do you have another family now? Are you happy?” Her voice was high. A child’s voice. Yet it was full of sadness, grief and anger. The girl was no child anymore. She had matured too fast and too much without even noticing it. Looking down at all these little figures, the feeling of the wind, these were the only things that could calm her down, tame her scarred soul, but still…it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. Even if Helen treated her as if she was her own daughter, even if all the kids in the orphanage called her “sister” and loved her idolatrously…it was never enough to heal her wounds, to make her forget about all these things. Nothing could make her feel better. Never.

If she knew me…As I am now…Would she want me?

The wind played with her long brown hair, pushing it up, pulling it down. How she loved this feeling…Especially when it was right in front of her eyes, blocking her view. She didn’t have to look. She didn’t have to see. Nothing but feel…She could feel the wind, hear the birds, the people…The girl could hear the city pulsating. Somehow it was living yet dead. It was loud yet calm. And it was just full of contradictions, but she still enjoyed living here. It was her home.

“Hey!”, she shouted right down the building. Her voice echoed and clashed with the wind before it slowly began to fade away…

Yeah…Noone will notice it. I am sure that noone has even heard me. After all I am just a tiny part of this pulse, the city’s pulse.

One step after another…She was carefully placing her feet on the iron railing.

If I fall…I wonder if they would cry…A coffin, black clothing. The mood would be so…heavy.

Her eyes  kept looking at the abyss, thinking about the height. It would kill her if she fell. And for sure Helen would be mad at her if she knew what she did every single day, here…on this roof. But she needed it. The girl had tried to forget about this feeling. She even had stopped for a while. One day…two days…three days…Thinking about it, dreaming about it and counting every single day, this special moment of freedom haunted her. On the fourth day…She couldn’t take it anymore and returned to her ‘tower’ once again. And now she was there again, standing on the balustrade, looking down this huge building. How could she even think of quitting?

“Mother…Am I a bad girl?”, she mumbled to herself even though there was noone who could possibly have answered her. She was all alone after all.

“Did you hate me? Did you really hate…?” Her voice was just about to break as her eyes were filled with that salty liquid. The salty liquid called tears. She rubbed her eyes, but it was no use. As soon as they were gone other tears appeared on her face, slowly running down the pure, white cheeks. How much she hated it.

Why can’t I stop crying? Why can’t I stop these things from falling? Why can’t I…be stronger?

Instead of trying to fight it she gave up the useless struggle. Everything was just done in vain.

to be continued…

“You’re a liar.” “So what?” Her glowing red lips began to crack as I uttered those - for her - unheard-of words. The corners slowly being raised, you could watch the wrinkles building up; revealing the face I’ve started to hate. Hate? Not quite right; rather…it disgusted me. Personally, my heart didn’t feel anything towards her; there was just indifference flowing through those veins of mine, whenever she raised her high-pitched voice; destroying my eardrums with her constant yelling. “YOU INSOLENT LITTLE BITCH!” Smack! The slap she gave me was like any other I had received since the day I was born; full of hatred and agony. It left a burning sensation in my cheeks with all the blood rushing beneath the pale skin. “DARE SAY THAT AGAIN!”, she continued; pointing at me with the finger whose nail she had just freshly painted. Crimson red; just like everything on her body. It fit her; with that ebony black hair that we shared falling on her shoulders. “Tsk!” Her dark eyes fell onto the hands of her watch and then unwillingly she directed her gaze at me; keeping the moment as brief as she could. It was short, yet long enough to make me feel how displeased she was with me. “I have to go now. Clean up. If I return and this mess is still there, then I’ll…” She didn’t finish the sentence, but I knew well enough what she intended to say. From the corner I was in, I could very well see the wardrobe where everything was stored. Those items which have carved one scar after the other into my still young flesh.

to be continued…

„Mother! Mother!“

„What is it, my dear?“

„There was a monster!“

“Really? What did it do?”

“It ate brother!

Yesterday brother said that a monster would come to eat him!”

“Lin! Lin! What are you spacing out for?” Automatically I raised my heavy head to look her in the eyes. She seemed angry, troubled, worried…I can’t remember it that clearly anymore. It was a sunny day so that my eyes hurt whenever I tried to look at the sky. The sky was blue, no clouds to be found and the streets were even more crowded than usual. I really wish that I could return to the past once again or at least back to this place where we used to live…

“Oh, sorry, I was just thinking about something…” I said, touching my throat softly as I was speaking. My voice was a mess once again. Harsh yet fragile…It always seemed as if it was about to break down at any time. And I have to admit…I myself often get that feeling as well.

“Oh, really? Finally fell in love?” the girl snickered. She was just like always. Her head was filled with romance and boys. But still I couldn’t believe her talking to me about love. I guess she wasn’t afraid of asking anymore. Nonetheless I still was quite surprised.

“Are you serious?”, I asked, too tired to even make a scene. The broad daylight hurt my eyes so that I had to shield them whenever I looked up.

“Sure I am.” she answered without any hint of hesitation. She had always been too honest. No wonder I was the only one who talked to her. Society hates people who are honest, in the past and still nowadays.

“You know what my answer will be?” I only wanted to verify that she wasn’t as dumb as she looked like.

“Sure, I know.” She only smiled at me so damn honestly. My head hurt. The traffic light turned green, finally. I stepped forward, aiming for the sidewalk on the other side. This headache…How much I hated it. It would get worse…I just knew it.

 “Your head aching again?” She followed me, trying to meet my eyes.

“Yeah…” I sighed. It hurt just whenever it wanted to….No doctor could tell me why the pain appeared and disappeared. My head just hurt and the meds didn’t work at all.

“Do you need a pill?”, she asked, showing me a little white bottle that was resting on the palm of her hand.

“No…it won’t help anyway…”, I answered, shaking my head. It felt as if the noise was growing bigger and bigger. Furthermore I had to watch my steps so that I wouldn’t start to stagger, but it was already too late.

“Faith….” I hit her arm and felt a light impact before I lost consciousness.

“Lin…You really are impossible.”

“Bleeeeh! Me and impossible? I just fell! You meanie!”

“Hey! I am only telling the truth.”

“Pfff…Stupid brother! Dummy!”

“But I still love you!”

“Let go! I hate you!”

“I’ll let go of you when you stop lying. You love me as well, don’t you?”

“No! I haaaaaaaaate you!”

“Lin! Lin! Come on! Wake up! Hey!” Someone was calling me…Someone I know…Someone…

“Ugh….What…What…happened?” My whole body hurt like hell. I could have sworn that I was run over by a bulldozer feeling such an indescribable intense pain. And then again it was so bright that I squinted my eyes; fearing that I’d go blind if I didn’t do so…The light here stung even more than the sunlight before.

“You suddenly fell! You…you shocked me! Why did you suddenly fall in the middle of the street?! You were nearly run over by a car!” Stupid! Stupid! Stupid…” Her voice got quieter and quieter, turning into a hushed sobbing. My eyes were still not accustomed to the light so that I only recognized her outlines. Everything in here was so bright…Suddenly a sharp pain ran through my arm as I tried to raise it.

“Dammit!” As my eyes wandered over my whole arm, I felt a sudden impact. It wasn’t anything physical. No pain. No movement. It was something in my mind. Like someone whispering. I couldn’t understand what it was. I didn’t even know if it was a voice or if it was my mind that was going crazy right now, but something here just felt out of place.

“Lin! Hey! What’s with you? Lin?” With a worried look on her face she started shaking me. Maybe she thought that I was going to collapse again. I couldn’t really tell or rather I didn’t feel like bothering.

“Ouch! Stop shaking me! My whole body hurts like hell!” I shouted at the girl. Shocked and a little bit embarrassed she let go of my arm.

“Sorry…” she mumbled, her head lowered like a little kid that was being scolded by her mother.

“It’s ok. Could you…could you just get a doctor or a nurse? I need painkillers.”

“Sure. Will you be ok all alone?”

“Don’t worry. It’s not as if you’d be gone for hours, is it?”

I smiled at her. At least I tried to till she left the room with a troubled face.

“Shit! Move! Come on! Move!” I wanted to stand up, raise my arm, move my hand and my legs, but no matter how hard I tried, I just lied there, unable to make even one muscle obey my commands.

“How pathetic…Am I gonna die now? Like THIS?” I mumbled; more talking to myself than actually expecting someone to answer. There was no one to talk after all. And if there had been, I’d probably have gotten rid of them as fast as possible. As the pain faded only a feeling of numbness remained and in this short amount of time between unconsciousness and consciousness, I smiled at those memories of back then. The memories of a time long ago, the memories I had treasured till now: 

“Do you know how to use a PC?”

“Pi-Si? What’s that, brother?”

“Well, you’ve seen the big black box in daddy’s room?”

“Hm? You mean under daddy’s desk?”

“That’s what I mean. Do you want me to tell you something about it?”

“Sure, why not?”

“This box is called a computer. It is like a human brain.”

“Eeeeek?! A brain? There’s a brain in it?!”

“No, no, no. You’ve misunderstood. It isn’t a brain made out of flesh. It is made out of metal.”

“Metal? And it works?”

“Yeah, it even works better than human ones at times.”

“Whoa! But why only at times? Why not always?”

“Because a computer only works with certain orders that the humans have to give it. It can’t work alone.”

“Oh, so it always needs help?”

“Yes, you could say so.”

“It is good not to be alone. But didn’t you want to show me how to use it?”

“Ah, yes, sure. Here. First you have to push that button to boot it up. See? When you hear that noise it is on.”

“Buuuut-it-ap? What’s that?”

“You start it, like giving life to the computer. We need food to live, don’t we? So does the PC, but it eats electricity instead of things like meat or vegetables.”

“Oh, I see. Sometimes when I come to visit daddy in his room though he pushes this button and then the screen turns black. The noise stops then as well.”

“Ah, that? Sometimes the PC doesn’t function properly, so that you have to push that button for a long time so that the PC is shut down. It’s like us going to bed to rest.”

“But…we just do it whenever we want to. Isn’t that mean?”

Another shard of the past I had tried to keep locked in. Those fragments have been piling up lately after having been so blurry before. Others would call them “flashbacks”, I assume. But wasn’t it funny? To think about the past instead of the present when you are going to die? Actually I didn’t know if I was going to. There was just this feeling again. That bad feeling I had when I woke up.

“I am gonna be shut down against my will, brother. Hey, tell me, is the one pushing the button god?” Silence. A heartbreaking silence was everything this room had to offer. And I feared for it to crush me under its heavy burden. Resigned I let out a huge sigh. I had no intention to fight.

“Where are you, brother? I wished I could see you once again.” A little pause.  So childish. I thought to myself. In all honesty, what could this wish do? He was gone; and even though my heart still engaged in an useless battle over it, nothing could change it. My whole being was aware of the finality of that one sentence: “He is gone.” But time cannot heal wounds and so I still harbored that heavy feeling of loneliness. And especially right now everything I had bottled up, tried to crawl its way up onto the surface. Those fears strangled me. “I am scared.” I whispered like a little child. “I feel so cold.” That was the second thought that passed my mind. It was cold. A quick glance at the thermometers though told me that the temperature in that room amounted to about 10 degrees. Maybe even less. I had troubles deciphering the already washed out numbers. And just like this my thoughts lost every order they were supposed to have. The only thing I wanted in that one moment, was to just forget about all these anxieties and fears. Unfortunately my mind wasn’t willing to lend me a helping hand. And everything got out of hand. Random thoughts popping up in my head as I felt the end coming closer. “I hope she doesn’t enter now. The doctors or the nurses should take care of her first. She will be greatly shocked, I guess. Poor Lu…Poor Lu…” My sight got blurry. Even though I didn’t close my eyelids it was like falling asleep. Slowly and quietly. It was a peaceful death. Yeah…it was even though I didn’t want to die. I still had so many wishes, hopes and ambitions for the years ahead. I still wanted to live, but there’s always a time and place for us to go; a time to be “shut down”. That was mine. Crack, fall, break. Good night, everyone.

……………………………………………….

{Name of the dead: Linda Godsworth

Estimated time of death: 22.10.2012; 15:34

Corpse found by: Lucia Carregon (friend, classmate), doctors, nurses

Cause of death: unknown/assumed to be a yet unknown disease or virus

Family: Father: William Godsworth (owner of the “Godsworth Electronic Company”); Mother: Karen Godsworth (biochemist, famous for her virus research);

brother: Marlin Godsworth (deceased)/ showed the same symptoms as the dead

Not clear if it was a hereditary disease or a virus

Corpse delivered to the pathological department for further investigation}

“I once told you something about computers, didn’t I, Lin?”

“Yes, you did.”

“And they work like human brains.”

“This, too.”

“Did I tell you something about viruses?”

“No. What is a virus?”

“A virus is a disease. It spreads and erases parts of the “memory” of the computer. It destroys it from within.”

“That sounds scary…Like a monster.”

“Yeah, it is. But that isn’t the only thing. It spreads as well. That’s why they can make many, many PCs ill.”

“Oh…Then like a flu? I always get the flu from you, brother.”

“Yes, but you know what, Lin? There are viruses that can make us people ill as well and make our memories fade away. They spread and spread and spread and kill many, many people.”

“No! I don’t want this! Brother! I don’t want that! You…you aren’t going to be eaten by this monster. Right? Right?!”

“I am sorry, Lin. Your brother won’t be here tomorrow and the day after and all those other days to come. I can’t read stories to you anymore. I am sorry, but I have to go now. I am sorry, Lin. I am so sorry. It’s all brother’s fault.”

“No, it isn’t! It’s that monster! I’ll protect you!”

“You mustn’t. I wanted this myself. Your brother is a murderer, because I will kill you. But never forget this: I love you, Lin. I really, really love you…”

“I love you as well, brother. So, please don’t go.”

“I have to go. You just don’t understand. You wouldn’t understand…”

…………………………………………………..

Author’s comment: And yeah, it’s because I am such a bitch that I end the story here :p Honestly though; that wasn’t my intention in the first place ^^ Just take your time thinking about it the way you start thinking about things whenever you read some stupid article about it. It can go into any direction you want to. I’d be happy if you were to somehow end this story in your own kind of way. This is - as written in the headline “an open end”. Those people don’t just end here. They’ve just started (except of that girl or maybe she went to heaven/hell? Who knows? :D
) And no hate rants please. I know the story’s bad. No need to tell me :p Good day to you all and thanks for reading X3 Have a cookie for all your struggles :D *hands out imaginary cookies*

Welcome to Changshi - Just Another Try. Chángshì (尝试) is a chinese word and means sth like “Try”. This is exactly what this blog’s about. First of all it was only a place for me to try out customizations, when I was unsure about whether to change the whole theme of my other blogs again or not. But now I want to make this a personal blog, seeing that shizu-fengling actually turned out to rather be a photography blog instead of a personal one. Here I will (try to) post stories or thoughts more or less regularly and I hope that you’ll enjoy it! 

Yours, Aru/Mi